I have not been writing much in the last months
Perhaps as the journey descends more deeply into
old patterns buried deep in my psyche
it is harder to put words on it
These days I am dancing with the discovery
of a fundamental lack of Trust in Life
Stunning me, as I have always known myself to deeply trust
Life to provide,
Allowing the intelligence of each next step
to simply emerge when the timing is right
And yet,
perhaps that which is our greatest gift is also our greatest challenge
And so as I dance with my psyche
I am seeing that at a deeper level
there is a part of me that is ever busy
Orchestrating
busy busy busy
For if I did not
It would surely all fall apart
My projects would die
Fall Apart
The sky might even fall upon my shoulders
shattering the world as I know it
It is a mighty frustrating discovery to have made
For now each time I dive into action,
quick and very capable mind leading the way,
another part of me is watching,
‘here she goes again’
And I do not wish to judge my mind and the part of me
that knows how to act,
to fix, to make happen, to mobilise, to create
But I am waking to the possibility that it does not need to be such an effort
And I am seeing that perhaps to get through to the other side
I need to let go, to surrender, to rest, to retreat
rather than to push through
And my mind does not really know this dance
Perhaps my heart does, and surely somewhere my body does
But my mind does not,
And so in this moment it is an awkward dance
An awkard awkward dance of seeking
– so far with little success –
to find my way to the still centre in the middle
Where I can learn to rest, and trust,
And simply Be
with Life
And even as I write, I know that I will not come to this place through seeking
but through a letting go that I don’t yet know how to allow…
Dancing dancing dancing body
in the night
separate
dancing the dance of separation
outside the moon shines
mother waits for her child
to find her way home
‘you are not alone
you are not separate’
dancing the dance of separation
to find my way home
Dancing Universe 
Thank you for this beautiful reflection, Maaianne. It sounds so similar to what I have been experiencing here in India as I pursue a deeper understanding of the energy body. I am continually confronted with my conscious intention and desire to let go, to surrender, to relax, to quiet my mind, to trust and I am constantly confronted with the question “how?”. I have come to realize that, at a very deep – I suspect at a cellular level, I don’t know how to trust and let go. With the help of some amazing healers and some powerful shamanic practices, I’ve come to realize that this is something that goes way back – probably to my experience in the womb. Trust cannot be commanded or manufactured. It cannot be faked. Deep trust has to flow from a place of deep security and deep belonging. So, it feels like I’ve been allowed to glimpse the promised land without yet gaining access to it. At times, I get impatient but then I remind myself that I have spent my entire lifetime developing the patterns that prevent me from trusting and surrendering and that relearning will take time. At those moments, I can feel compassion for my situation and gratitude for the journey that has brought me this far. Experiencing a change in vibration at a cellular level is a big request but I believe that it is possible. I really want to be able to authentically live life with ease and flow, to give up the deep, deep sense of needing to fight to survive. What a gift to be on this path.
love and gratitude,
Steve
you have put beautiful, lightly sad words around what I have been feeling also. I have felt the yearning for a quiet place to just be rather than compulsively “do” – occasionally letting myself be drawn there for a bit but ultimately succumbing to the need to be visible and connected in familiar ways. I trust your dance and poetry are serving you well in this part of your journey – your reflections inspire my own. thank you
Hey! I have a question about your blog. Could you please email me when you get a chance? Thanks!!