Dancing the dance of Separation

I have not been writing much in the last months
Perhaps as the journey descends more deeply into
old patterns buried deep in my psyche
it is harder to put words on it

These days I am dancing with the discovery
of a fundamental lack of Trust in Life

Stunning me, as I have always known myself to deeply trust
Life to provide,
Allowing the intelligence of each next step
to simply emerge when the timing is right

And yet,
perhaps that which is our greatest gift is also our greatest challenge

And so as I dance with my psyche
I am seeing that at a deeper level
there is a part of me that is ever busy
Orchestrating
busy busy busy

For if I did not
It would surely all fall apart
My projects would die
Fall Apart
The sky might even fall upon my shoulders
shattering the world as I know it

It is a mighty frustrating discovery to have made
For now each time I dive into action,
quick and very capable mind leading the way,
another part of me is watching,
‘here she goes again’

And I do not wish to judge my mind and the part of me
that knows how to act,
to fix, to make happen, to mobilise, to create

But I am waking to the possibility that it does not need to be such an effort
And I am seeing that perhaps to get through to the other side
I need to let go, to surrender, to rest, to retreat
rather than to push through

And my mind does not really know this dance
Perhaps my heart does, and surely somewhere my body does
But my mind does not,

And so in this moment it is an awkward dance
An awkard awkward dance of seeking
– so far with little success –
to find my way to the still centre in the middle
Where I can learn to rest, and trust,
And simply Be
with Life

And even as I write, I know that I will not come to this place through seeking
but through a letting go that I don’t yet know how to allow…

Dancing dancing dancing body
in the night 
separate
dancing the dance of separation

outside the moon shines
mother waits for her child
to find her way home

‘you are not alone
you are not separate’

dancing the dance of separation
to find my way home

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Something is Changing in me, Is Changed

There is a different confidence in my showing up in the world
A quiet cheerful sense of confidence

It could be attributed to years of experience,
“Now I know what I Know, what I Do”
But No
That is not it

More important,
Much more important
is a different quality of Presence in this moment

There is a fear that has dissipated, disappeared…
A fear of being unable to respond well to what life or the situation might throw me,
A fear that I don’t really know everything I am meant to know

D-i-s-s-o-l-v-i-n-g

A fear that has kept me mostly slightly dis-con-nec-ted
from each moment

Is Dissipating, as I am learning to Trust this Moment
As I am learning to Trust my Self
Learning to Trust my ability to move, to flow, to dance
with Life and what she brings
In this moment…
and the next…
and the next…

And so I can show up more fully to Whatever the Moment brings

I don’t have to try to always be one step ahead, 
and therefore never really Here

Its inverse is – “I can be right Here.
I don’t need to try to be anywhere else.”

And what a relief that is

********************* aaaahhhh

Whence does it come from, this Trust?
This quiet cheerful confidence 🙂

For me, the Dance has been the key

The Dancer knows

After hundreds of hours of dancing
Of experiencing moments – infinitesimal perhaps – but real nonetheless
where I touch deep alignment:
Body, heart, mind, soul
Together
Surrendering
Into Life

Into a place of being fully Awake – Alive
With All That Is
Where I am both Nothing and Everything

Touching Knowing
Deep knowing –
That I can Trust
Me and this Moment –
Me in this Moment

I can trust the instrument of life that I am becoming;
that I already am,
Perhaps because I am experiencing
that I am Life itself

Life dancing herself

******************

In the dance
I touch
A place from which anything can rise….

What a delight!

Dancing from this place
Dancing…

Self as Source
Self as Light
Self as Darkness

Dissolution
Cheerful knowing

I can dance

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