I am Dancer

I am Dancer
This is who I am
First and foremost – I am Dancer
Before even being woman, mother, lover, community organizer…
I am dancer

And when I let myself dance
The dance flows, jumps, moves into all my roles
All my states of being
Enlivening, Enriching where it goes
And where it opens

I marvel that this knowing could have been lost to me for so many years
For decades it lay in my forgetting
An education
Filling me with many arbitrary facts and figures
Ideas of what success is and how to strive for it
But little space for my Soul to speak and be heard

Thankfully our return to Africa, to Mama Africa, when I was still a young teenager
helped break through into the beginning of a listening
A listening for heart and meaning
A listening for soul

That brought me to co-create
a trans-local learning community of pioneers with friends
And then Kufunda Village with friends and family
And still it was to be years for the listening to finally bring me
from the rich journey of arriving into the work of my heart
To the Movement of my soul

As Dancer

Dancing my Lifeforce
My Prayers
My Grief
My Joy
My Love

I am Dancer

Will you dance with me?

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Reflections from the first 30 days of Dancing

Actually is it exactly 135 today, but it began as a thirty day ‘challenge’ to myself, and has grown into an integral part of my life and days. I wrote this piece soon after the 30 days were over, and for some reason did not post it, until now.

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I have come to the end of my 30 days of dancing and to the beginning of a life of dance.

I can’t quite believe that 30 days have passed already. In many ways I am, of course, entirely the same person who began 30 days ago. In just as many ways something has shifted fundamentally.

For one, I feel lighter, brighter. Even when I go through spells of tiredness, or irritation, I seem to stay with these for not quite as long. I feel less attached.

Over the last few weeks many things that had been scheduled – and that I wanted to do or be part of – have slipped away. I have noticed myself be able to let go more easily. It feels like I am more able to be in this moment with what moves in me. And if it doesn’t move; if it gets stuck, or I get irritated or anxious, I bring it into my dance. I literally dance with it, and invariably it does move through me. Out and away it goes.

My decisions are also affected. They seem to be coming from a more present, immediate place. My mind is learning that it can relax a little. How does this choice or decision Feel? How does this Feel? I check my gut, my heart, my body – and then Choose from that more embodied place.

Not always. Mind likes to get involved and sometimes she complicates things still. But over the course of the 30 days it feels like a muscle of tuning to a different place is being grown.

Each day in the dance (over the last 2 weeks in particular) I am making a moment of ceremony of giving permission to live from this place. “Yes” I say. “I can listen to more than mind. Yes I say, I give permission to my Inspiration, to my God spark to guide me.”

Later, mind will wonder whether I am making it all up. But each day for split seconds in the grace of dance I say Yes to living from a different Centre. And each day I feel the impact subtly, slowly but fully in my life.

I am also learning about Self Love.

Through my dancing, I am recognizing my desire to be liked and loved by as many people as possible. It has entered my dance in a very visceral way whenever something has been amiss with people around me – and I have come to see that much of the discomfort is from this fundamental desire to be liked (I suspect we all carry it!). To simplify I think it would be accurate to say that most of the agony I experience in my every day comes from the impact of my sense of my standing with people – when I think I am judged by others.

I no longer wish to be in the world from a place of seeking to be liked. So the Yes each day, whilst not exactly a No to others, is also a Yes to coming from a place beyond the politics of relationship. It is a deep Yes to what feels like the right way forward for Me. Not for you. Not for Paul. Not even for my children. Often what I do wish for myself is good for them also. And when we take the long view – it probably is in every single instance.

And in it I find a far more fulfilling Love for My Self. Delight in myself. I love myself in the dance. Why would I not spend all my days dancing then?

I love myself in the dance. I love myself after the dance.

Someone who loves themselves has so much more energy, vitality, life force, capacity to be creative, luminous, beautiful.

At the end of 30 days of dancing I feel more creative, beautiful and luminous.

And I no longer feel shy to announce this.

It reminds me of one of the stories of the Buddha where a King and his Queen had become meditators. The queen arrived and told the Buddha that she had realized in her meditation that she loved no-one but herself, and had told her king, and he had said he had the same realization. And the Buddha had said, very good. You are on the path. This is the place of beginning. How can you love another, when you truly don’t love myself?

And so I am learning to Love myself – and I know and feel and trust that is leading me into a richer more honest loving of everyone around me.

I am learning Love again, through the only being that I have – my own.

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Sacred Permission to Live from My Deepest Feeling Self – Soul Dancing Day 15

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Saturday two weeks ago I began to dance. I returned to dance.
As I danced this morning I could not quite believe the journey I have traveled
in what is really less than a blink of an eye

This morning I danced a sacred dance.
I danced with the sunrise
The still full moon setting behind us – the sun and I  🙂

As I danced I realized somewhere deep inside
That this dance is a giving permission
An active giving permission for my God Self, for my Sacred Soul
To express,
To let that part of me be in charge

Each day in the dance I step aside – even if just for a moment
And surrender to my Sacred Self

This morning I realized that I am giving permission
For her to lead in more than just the dance
To lead in Life as Dance, in the Dance of Life

And there I thought I was just having fun!

A friend of mine did a psychic reading for me this week
In it she says:

“There is no doubt that the next step for you is ……
a far bigger and bolder step forward and that is
into the recognition of you as God.”

Blasphemy some might cry.
Pure beauty, I say.

And the reading ends thus:

“But of course the sooner you are living from that place (All of us),
the sooner your worlds will hold the kind of beauty and grace
that you sometimes dare to imagine they can.”

And my heart fills with joy and tears and longing and gratitude, because I have a choice to live from that place now. From my God Spark. And to live from there exclusively. To listen to and for and from what feels Deeply Good, and to trust this it is in fact also good for the world, and for my loved ones. Perhaps for a three year old this would be dangerous advice. But for where I am on my journey this is how I might really allow grace and beauty to manifest through me – not for their sake – but as a natural process of living from a place of following what I deeply feel and desire.

It is a little scary. To trust myself. To trust my lived experience and Feeling of what to do – and to follow only that which Feels Deeply Good. Which Feels Deeply Good.

Each day, each morning or evening in the dance I am learning even more fully, with all of my body, and all of my spirit, and sometimes parts of my mind ;-), to feel myself, to trust myself, to treasure myself, to listen to myself, to follow myself.

And this morning it turned in a subtle but important way and became an active Giving Permission to live from that place.

Trust yourself, because the Bottomnest piece of you is Divine.

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Many of us have been speaking of the Rising Feminine
As I reflect on my dance and the movements inside me
This blessed and beautiful spring morning
With the birds chanting, the slight breeze, the moon set, the sun arisen
I realize that this capacity to navigate by Deep Feeling
Is in fact a deeply feminine quality

For too long we have been told
Emotions are bad
Not objective
And here I am learning to listen to and once again give permission to
My deep subjective feeling of goodness
Not random emotions so much as the deeper undercurrent
That can be felt when genuinely attended to

The Feminine is rising

Do you feel it too?
In your bones? In your heart? In your soul?
It is in all of us
Man or woman
Rising

May we all Dance in Beauty. May we all Dance in Peace. May we all Dance as One

Gabrielle Roth

Soul Dancing – Day 7 – Entering Sadness

I noticed slight grumpiness, tiredness, irritation and sadness upon waking. And invited by a new friend I took these consciously with me into my dance.
 
I touched the heaviness of my heart. Perhaps underneath the stream of life there is always a little of this – grief for the world we live in, sadness for all the trees felled, birds dying, life not being exactly as we would like it. I don’t know. But today my dance was mostly Sad. Heavy. Slow.
 
Slivers of sunshine broke through. I think this is the nature of life. But it felt important to stay with the density of my body, and the feeling of my heart.
 
The music didn’t always ‘fit’ with what I felt I was feeling J. It reminded me of life – dancing with what is thrown to me, and still remaining True to myself. Dancing with what life brings – even when it jars – and still remaining true to my self and my experience. Not always easy.

And also open to let it (life, the jarring music, whatever it is)  influence me, touch me. In the dance it sometimes took me deeper into sadness, sometimes let me coast on a brief wave of joy that broke through a cheerful piece of music.
 
Connected – and – True.
 
As I end this mornings dance I say to myself and to everyone:
 
Let us be gentle with ourselves. We are birthing a new world.
 
In this simple act even of just moving our bodies more consciously, listening to them, listening to Life, We are birthing a new world.
 
Let us be gentle with ourselves.

Journals from a Month of Dancing

August quickened something in me, and the voice that has quietly been whispering to dance, to dance, to dance became more insistent until there was nothing for me to do, but ‘put on my dance shoes’. Those would be my bare feet. Find good music, turn up the volume, empty my house of my family – and Dance.

And so I did. This Saturday. For an hour and a half. Having been conscious for so long that I don’t have a teacher or a group, I suddenly found simply Soul. What more is needed? Really?

Let me offer my one and only disclaimer as I enter into this month of dance and of sharing it:  This writing may seem a little fantastical at times, my experience is not of groovy cool Sunday afternoon dancing. It is of learning to dance my souls expression. To release, to surrender, to enter into a union of sorts…. Me and life, me and Mother, me and the essence of my soul.

It is – I realise – time to stop apologizing for not fitting into the mold of the normal world and normal language. Especially when it is one that we have so blatantly robbed of magic and mystery. And so – disclaimer aside – I realise this is in fact a journey into those very elements of Magic and of Mystery, through my body and through the gift of music.

I come to it with Gratitude.

During my first dance, I was stunned at the fury and wildness of what was released.

When my husband returned – with my mother in law – I wondered how I would keep dancing. He suggested our bedroom is big enough for me not to have to empty the house of people. And in fact it is. So the very next day, I did my second dance.

In this I had a moment of feeling that I was Mother dancing. I was both she and me – and perhaps we truly are one. There was great gratitude for the gift of being able to dance life with consciousness – from me And from life.

During this same dance, the warrior rose more strongly in me, and I remembered that in the medicine wheel as summarized by Angeles Arrien, the medicine or healing salve of the warrior is dance. And here I was dancing my way back into power, vitality, life force. Hear my cry – it is fierce.

My third day of dance was the day where I made a commitment to keep doing this for 30 days. Yeah!

In this dance I had such a strong experience of: “for this i was born”. My ego hastens to apologise to claim the name Dancer, and yet it is much more than this. I was born to express my Soul, my joy, my spark. And this is what I was doing last night, spinning wildly in my bedroom. Aren’t we all born for this expression?

I was using a Gabrielle Roth five rhythms compilation. She offers guidance in this one – and her words entered me through the experience…”Don’t do the dance, let the dance do you. Don’t do the dance, let the dance do you”. “It is all prayer”. yes it is. This is sacred practice.

And such fun too!

As day four begins my body is a little tired. My spirit is strong. My husband says I feel more open, more light and playful, stronger, clearer, sharper but also more gentle. And a lot more self-absorbed :).

My children are joining me in moments. Pre-bed family dance, early morning rising dance. Demanded by them. These are short. Dance-snippets, but they are beautiful.

I may be jumping the gun, but I have a sense that i am diving into a month that will change something at a fundamental level in me and in how I relate to the world. At this point it seems like simply this: to know and experience at a cellular level that I can open myself to Life force, to joy, to flow. Those are not in the hands of another. They are in my hands. As I open, as a I move – I enter more fully, the river of Life. She flows fast. I am not in control. But I am learning to swim, and to dance with life.

Gabrielle’s last words yesterday were “You are the Dance.”

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